


But What About A Family?

by xdatenshibluex



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Adoption, Anger, Angst, Blow Jobs, Car Sex, Chris is like the greatest dad ever to everyone's surprise, Drama, F/F, F/M, Fatherhood, Grand Prix Final, Hand Jobs, Heartbreak, Hot Springs, JJ and Isabella need to stop breeding, Loss, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Miscarriage, Otabek is a sperm doner, Past Child Abuse, Rimming, Semi-Public Sex, Sex, Smut, Surrogate mother, group chats, in later chapters Phichit is the coolest uncle to all the kids to no one's surprise, it's time to stop okay, no none of the main characters have cancer don't worry, not mpreg, there will be so many tears shed, they have like 5 kids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 14:18:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11648295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xdatenshibluex/pseuds/xdatenshibluex
Summary: No matter how many roadblocks they ran into, it never got easier. It never got any fucking easier. When would it be their turn?...When would they stop getting fucked over by the system?"The orphanage practically handed a baby to you and Katsudon. Why the fuck is so hard for Otabek and I?!"orIt had been intense to get Yuri to the point of being willing to accept a child into his life, but with how things were going now... Even Otabek was about to give up. No one ever said starting a family was going to be easy, but no one had ever told them it would be this hard, either.





	But What About A Family?

**Author's Note:**

> So a roleplay between a close friend and I inspired me to write this fic, though while our roleplay has been pretty innocent and sweet so far, this story is going to be absolutely heart-wrenching. If you don't cry I clearly didn't write it correctly. Now this first chapter is pretty light on the angst. It just has a lot of Yuri doing a lot of introspection. But later chapters will get pretty heavy. I don't want to spoil too much so I'll just leave it at that. Please read with caution and, if you're sensitive, this may not be the story for you.

Otabek had a schedule; a routine that was well in place. He'd come home after practice, get the mail, ascend the four staircases up to his and Yuri's apartment, dispose of his dufflebag by the door and collapse on the couch for at least twenty to thirty minutes to cool down while he waited for his husband to get off work. Today was no exception, though something that had come in the mail had caught his attention. A magazine that they were subscribed to, to be precise. Otabek was big on reading, books more so than magazines, but the headline on the front had drawn his eye right away. He settled himself on their nicely sized, sleek black couch and busied himself with immersing himself in the top story. The lead singer in one of his favorite rock bands had had their first child.

Flipping through the pages until he got to the one he was looking for, he scanned the it over and read all about the joys and struggles of life as a new parent, and, honestly? It got him thinking. Before he knew it, he wasn't even reading the words before him anymore, suddenly lost in thought.

He had always known he wanted children someday. Coming from a large family, it had just always been part of his life plan to have a kid of his own in the future. And hey, the future was here. But then his mind drifted to Yuri, and there lied the problem. It wasn't that his husband didn't like children. He had loved Otabek's three younger sisters since he first met them when the girls were only three, and after warming up to them and getting more used to actually being in the presence of children, he was very good with them. Whoever said that seeing the man you love take care of kids was one of the most attractive things in the world had most definitely been right in their assumption.

But that wasn't the problem. They problem was the abuse Yuri had suffered at the hands of his father as a child. It made him weary to ever have a kid of his own. The pressure to never become the man that had raised him weighed heavily on Yuri, and though they had never talked about it in great detail, Beka knew that this prevented him from believing he would ever truly be ready to start a family of his own. It made his heart ache.

Never in a million years would he put his own happiness above that of his beloved husband's. That would just be downright selfish, in his opinion. And he certainly didn't blame Yuri for feeling the way he did. He had been through so much growing up. The trauma was real; very real. And although Otabek knew down in his heart and soul that Yuri would never in a million years become the monster his father was, the fear was still very much prominent in the blond's mind, and Otabek honestly didn't know if there was anything he would ever be able to say or do to be able to help him push that fear aside for good. But despite that, Otabek wanted to try. The idea of starting a family with Yuri made his heart feel like it was going to implode. He wanted this. But he wasn't sure if Yuri ever would. But communication, although their way of going about it could be quite odd at times, had always been key in their relationship. It wouldn't hurt to bring it up just once, and if Yuri freaked out, he would give him space and he would give him time. He didn't really expect Yuri to come around to the idea, especially not right off the bat, but what real harm could trying just once do?

So he waited for Yuri to arrive home. And he waited. And he waited. He flipped on the tv, though right from the start he wasn't paying much attention to it. It was more for background noise than anything to keep in company while he sunk deeper into his thoughts on the matter. He discarded the magazine to the coffee table and laid back on the couch, crossing his legs and staring up at the ceiling. As the clock ticked and time passed, Otabek dug himself deeper and deeper into a hole of doubt and slight anxiety. He knew what thoughts he would undoubtedly, though, still completely unintentionally, put into Yuri's head when he brought this subject up to him. He didn't want to send him into a flashback, or worse, a panic attack. He was beginning to question whether the conversation would even be worth it at all. But he had to keep reminding himself that, as a married couple, they had to plan for the future and know what one another wanted, and especially what one another were comfortable with. Otabek would risk it to get an answer, but only once. If Yuri reacted badly, this would probably be the last time he'd be bringing the idea up to him.

He was late and Otabek knew better than to get too terribly concerned, but with his mind already in overdrive, he couldn't quite help it. He slipped his phone out of his pocket and sent off a quick text.

_Not to sound impatient, but will you be home soon? There's something I really want to talk to you about_

Even now, the blond's phone was practically physically attached to him at all times, whether he was working or not, so when he didn't get a reply within two minutes, he got a little discouraged. When he didn't get a reply within the next ten minutes he get  _really_  discouraged. What he didn't know was that Yuri was standing right outside the door to their apartment, reading and rereading the message with a forced calmness.

"Somehow I don't think I'm going to like this, whatever it is," Yuri mumbled to himself in the hall. While the text came off as borderline urgent, it didn't come off as irritated in any way, so, Yuri couldn't imagine it could be anything too bad, so he let himself into the apartment, dropping his own duffledbag and meeting Beka's eyes almost immediately.

"Hey babe," he greeted him with a smile, and Yuri smiled back tiredly. Today had been rough. Ever since he had had to retire from skating due to an accident on the ice, he had taken up ballet full time in a dance studio instructing a class. He loved it, but it left him so drained every day. The exhaustion was clear in both his eyes and his posture, so Otabek sat up and motioned Yuri over, who collapsed on the couch and dropped his legs in his lover's lap in a heap. He groaned and Otabek made a tiny noise of understanding as he began to gently rub and massage Yuri's tired legs as he often did when Yuri came home in this state.

Yuri hummed, content, and found it the right time to ask, "So what did you need to talk to me about?" He got more comfortable against the cushions, letting his eyes slip closed. Otabek only stopped his hands movements for a brief second, but in that second he was trying to formulate exactly how he wanted to go about bringing this up. Yuri hated when he beat around the bush, and Otabek had never been one to do so anyway, so the direct approach it was.

"I was thinking, and..."

Even with his eyes shut, he could feel Beka's gaze upon him studying him, waiting for his reaction to whatever he was about to say. Not sure where this was going but wanting to get it out of the way and done with, Yuri raised his hand and made a motion for Beka to hurry up and say whatever it was that was on his mind. Otabek only took a few seconds more to reply.

"What do you think about starting a family?"

Emerald eyes snapped open instantly, and Otabek was already regretting this.

The butterflies that erupted inside Yuri were currently at war with the sick, anxious feeling rising in his gut. He withdrew his legs from Otabek's lap and pulled them to his chest, staring straight at his husband with an unreadable expression. An expression he was desperately trying to keep even. It was sweet, really, it was, that Otabek wanted to raise a child with him. Yuri considered it even sweeter that Otabek actually believed Yuri had the ability to accomplish the feat of being a father of all things. But...

"I..." Yuri cut himself off and stared at the wall for a long moment. Otabek waited patiently for him to collect his thoughts. "You know I don't... I can't... I mean..." Furrowing his brows in annoyance at himself for not being able to put what he felt about this new situation into words, Yuri glared at the TV that was still on simply because it gave him something else to focus on for a moment. Otabek considered grabbing the remote and turning it off, but he made no move to. He just let Yuri work this all out in his head. It took a minute, but Yuri did finally look back at him.

"I don't know, Beka. I really, just... I really don't know. I don't know if I'm ready for that, you know? I don't know if... I'll ever be ready for that."

Nodding his understanding, Otabek couldn't say he wasn't disappointed, but he also couldn't say he was surprised. This was a touchy subject for his lover, and he had to be gentle with it. Looking back at him once more, Yuri suddenly looked... sad.

"I know you want to."

Otabek frowned back, "I want whatever will make us both happy. It's wouldn't be fair of me to ask you to do something that makes you uncomfortable for my sake."

Yuri reached his arm back and let his hair that he had let grow out for awhile now down out of the braid he had put it up in this morning so he could run his fingers through the long, blond tresses. He often did this when he was anxious or annoyed (be it at himself or at someone else.) He pulled slightly and looked away again, looking as though he was biting the inside of his cheek.

"I want to be able to do this for you, though. I know it's something you've always wanted or whatever."

They had both grown over the years, and their relationship got stronger every day. Yuri had learned to be open with him, to express his feelings in a much healthier manner than he ever had the capability to all those years ago when they met at 15 and 18. He was calmer these days, both from the support of his husband and all the other people around him, and because of the medication. Yuri had flat out refused to go to therapy right from the start and had refused the pills right out at first too, claiming he refused to let drugs dictate how he would feel and act. But even he had reached the conclusion that his problems were in fact problems and he couldn't run from them forever. Upon some personal self evaluation, the insistence of friends, the emotional support he had been getting from Otabek's family since they had gotten married, and most importantly, the love from Otabek himself, he had agreed to give the medication a chance, and honestly, even he had to admit that it worked. But that didn't mean he liked taking them. Otabek had to remind him every morning. He did it, though, and that was what really mattered in the long run.

"But this is about what you want, too, Yura," Otabek assured him, shifting his position on the couch so he too was sitting sideways on it, legs crossed and hands in his lap. Yuri sighed.

"But what if I don't know what I want?"

"We have plenty of time to figure it out. I won't push you on this, Yura. You know I'll give you all the time you need to decide how you feel about this."

Yuri nodded solemnly, hugging his knees a little tighter. He looked very anxious suddenly, and Otabek knew where his mind was going. Before he could step in and put a stop to those thoughts he knew were coming back to haunt him, the words were already slipping past Yuri's lips.

"I don't want to become like him, you know? I don't want to be my dad."

There were only two ways Yuri could talk about his father; angrily, or sadly. Sometimes his flashbacks were violent and made him angry, and sometimes they were so vivid that they scared him to the core and he'd curl into himself and shake and tremble and ask Beka why, after all these years, these wounds were still so fresh. Otabek always hated having to tell him that somethings stay with a person forever. Sometimes, no matter how good life was, the memories of the past would always haunt you on occasion.

Yuri just had more demons than most people. He had more to remember, and more he desperately wished he could forget.

Otabek knew the signs of an oncoming panic attack, be it big or small, and Yuri was giving off all the warnings. He was withdrawn and his eyes were becoming glassy. He couldn't look at him. His breathing was more shallow than before. Before this escalated into something that Yuri just could not handle after a long day, Otabek aimed to remedy the situation he had placed him into in the first place. Pulling him into a hug, he kissed the top of his head lovingly and rubbed circles against his back with his palm soothingly. Yuri wrapped his arms around him and just sat there, trying to get himself back in check.

He didn't want to continue this conversation with how Yuri was already feeling about it, but he had to say it.

"You will  _never_  be like him. You're a better man than he could ever hope to be."

Yuri was trembling against him and Otabek almost regretted saying it at all, but he knew Yuri needed to hear it, even if he didn't believe it. Because it was the truth, and Otabek  _always_  told Yuri the truth. Feeling guilty anyway, though, Otabek figured he should go the extra mile to calm him back down. He pressed a sweet kiss to his lips and murmured that he'd be right back. Yuri's arms followed him as he got up off the couch and left the room, and suddenly without Otabek there, Yuri was feeling very empty. It wasn't really like him to leave his side when he got like this, and honestly it just upset him further. But he didn't say anything. He just slipped down on the couch and focused on regaining control of his erratic breathing. That's all he could manage to focus on until Otabek eventually returned to him, reaching out a hand to help him off the couch. Giving him a wary look but taking his hand anyway, Yuri was led to the bathroom where the scent of jasmine flooded his senses. Otabek had ran him a hot bath, bath bomb and bubbles included, and Yuri could immediately feel himself relaxing.

From behind him, Otabek wrapped his arms around his middle and kissed the nap of his neck.

"Don't even think about it right now, okay?" he suggested softly, "You've had a long day and I shouldn't have asked something like that of you out of nowhere. Just relax for a little bit, and if you feel up to it we'll talk about it later. If not, pretend I never said anything."

With one more kiss, Otabek exited the room and left Yuri to relax in peace for a little while, closing the door gently behind him. Yuri sighed when he was gone, but smiled at the display before him. Otabek spoiled him. He stripped himself off his clothes and stepped a foot into the bath, sinking down into the hot water and letting the discomfort in his aching muscles just melt away. He tried to clear his mind and relax, really he did, but everything Otabek had said resonated in his mind.

Otabek wanted this. And Yuri knew he wanted this because he would never bring up something that would potentially make his mind wander to his childhood without great meaning behind it. Otabek wanted to start a family and who in the hell was Yuri to deny him of that?

Was it selfish? Was it selfish to want to say no because he didn't trust himself to not follow in the footsteps of his father? Was it selfish to want to say no because he didn't really want things to change? Was it selfish to want to deny Otabek of something he had wanted all his life just because Yuri himself was scared? Yes, Yuri concluded after a few minutes of thinking it over. Yes. It was selfish. And maybe deep down he knew that in some aspects, he had always been a selfish individual. But Otabek deserved better than that.

But it boiled right back down to the painfully simple fact that he  _was_  scared. He didn't even feel comfortable around kids because the moment he shot anyone a dirty look or raised his voice even the slightest octave at anyone while in the presence of one, he immediately felt like a shit human being. Could he really change himself so drastically to accommodate to the needs of a child of his own? He didn't believe he had what it took to be a good parent. When it came to the topic of parents, all he had ever known was screaming and beatings and chaos. He couldn't put a kid through what his parents put him through. He'd never forgive himself if he ever even took a step in the direction of becoming anything like the man he had the misfortune of calling a father.

He had never put much thought into ever starting a family, even after he and Otabek got serious in their relationship, and that was because Yuri knew that the best way to avoid all of this was to never have a child of his own; to never give himself the chance to screw one up the way that he himself had been screwed up. A family had never once in his life been part of his plans for the future.

But children had always been in a part of the grand scheme of things for his husband. Yuri wondered if Otabek felt like something was missing in his life, and if that something was the child that Yuri was so afraid to raise with him. What had brought this on, he had to wonder. Why had he picked today of all days to bring up starting a family? Had something happened? What had clicked in his brain that had made him think now was the right time? Otabek had a good sense for these things, but Yuri felt so unsure.

It was times like these he wished he could call his grandfather for advice, but he had passed away a few weeks after Yuri and Otabek's wedding. Yuri had never cried harder in his life. It had taken him so long to get back to regularly scheduled life, but Otabek had been there for him every step of the way. Now almost 22, he remembered the last time he had talked to his grandpa, alive and well. It was back when he was still 19 going on 20, and the last thing he had ever said to him was that he was so proud of the man he had become. Sinking down into the heat of the bath, Yuri didn't know whether to smile at the memory or cry over the loss. His body made up his mind for him, it seemed, as he felt a single, salty tear run down his pale cheek and mix with his bath water.

Wiping his face with his wet hand, Yuri sunk further down into the water and stared up at the ceiling, looking for answers. He knew this would be one of the biggest decisions he would ever make in his life, and it was even heavier on his shoulders knowing that he was making this decision for them both. Otabek was clear where he stood. This was up to Yuri now. His answer would make or break this. He wanted to make Otabek happy, but he also didn't want to make himself miserable in the process. He didn't want a kid to tear them apart. He also couldn't risk losing Otabek over this. Now he needed to decide which was a bigger risk- say yes to starting a family even though it may tear him apart from the inside out, or deny his husband of something that could very well be a key to his happiness.

Knowing he needed advice asap and knowing that in this situation he couldn't turn to his husband for the emotional support, he decided to call the one person who he knew would not only never turn him away, but would also offer some kind of help without the dramatics. Yuuri Katsuki had become more and more relatable the older Yuri got.

So he bent over the side of the tub and reached for the pants he had discarded on the floor, fishing his cellphone out his pocket then returning to his comfortable position. He paused, wondering which would be more efficient- call, or text. It didn't take long for him to settle on text, and that was for a few reasons. One, because he didn't want Otabek to hear him and realize just how much he had freaked him out, two, because he didn't want Viktor overhearing Yuuri speak to him about this, and three, he didn't trust his voice right now. So he spent about two minutes picking and choosing what to say.

_hey... so... i hate to ask you this but I need your advice and shit... otabek kind of... asked me to start a family with him, and honestly? i'm freaking out because... well, i think you know why. i don't want to tell him no, but i don't know if i'm ready to say yes either. u and viktor didn't jump right into having kids so tell me what the hell i should do_

He had tensed up a lot writing that, and once he pressed send, he forced himself to relax and close his eyes. The soothing scent of the bath products were nice and the heat engulfing his entire being was lulling him into a rather sleepy state. He only got to enjoy it for a minute, though, because Yuuri had decided to text back rather quickly. He nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of his phone, but he shook his head, collected himself, and checked the message.

_Oh wow. That's very exciting! I know you may not be ready for this, but I just want you to know that I really do believe you two would make great parents. I'm not going to tell you it's easy because it's not. That's why Viktor and I waited so long. But I can promise you it's worth it. You'll never love anyone more than you love your own child. I can't really describe it, but... It's a whole new level of life._

Quite frankly... Yuri didn't know how to reply to that. So he didn't. He dropped his phone to the floor and continued staring at the ceiling with a blank look and an anxious feeling crawling up his limbs and settling in his chest where it felt like the feeling itself was restricting his lungs. What should he do?  _What should he do?_

Closing his eyes once more, he tried to drift off for a short nap. Maybe when he woke up everything would make a little more sense.

He had knocked out quicker than he even realized, and when he came to, the water was ice cold. Shivering, he stood on wobbly, tired and still achy legs and stepped out. He drained the tub and wrapped himself up in his favorite fluffy towel. Looking in the mirror and taking a deep breath, Yuri nodded at his reflection in some sort of way that made himself feel the slightest bit more confident about the situation; more in control of it all. Stepping out of the bathroom he went directly to their bedroom and dressed himself in comfortable leggings and a t-shirt before strolling back out into the living room to see what he assumed was Otabek asleep on the couch. Carefully crawling on top of him and laying down on his chest, he realized that he wasn't asleep after all (or maybe he had woken him up?) as he wrapped his arms around him and held him close. Yuri nuzzled into him and sighed, but whether it was a content or a distressed noise was a mystery to even himself.

"You okay?" Otabek asked.

Yuri took a moment to respond, because he didn't really know at what level of okay he was at right now.

"Yeah, I'm okay," he decided to say anyway, resting his arms on either side of Beka just as the older man leaned up and kissed the top of his head.

Silence befell them and Yuri wondered if Otabek had drifted off to dreamland and briefly wondered if, for now, he should just let himself return there as well. But he couldn't. There were so many thoughts swimming in his mind. So many questions without answers.

"Are  _you_  okay?"

He had to ask. He raised his arms and propped his elbows up on Otabek's strong chest to support his head as he looked down at him for an answer. He cracked an eye open, looking back up at him with an unreadable expression. Maybe he could feel Yuri's frantically beating heart, or maybe he just truly meant it when he said that yes, he was okay, and that he didn't know why Yuri thought he wouldn't be.

Lowering himself back down to lay his head down on his chest, Yuri sighed out a barely audible noise. Otabek was... Well, he was perfect. He was understanding to the point where sometimes Yuri wondered if he could do any wrong in his eyes at all. Yes, they had their disagreements. All couples did. Or, so the blond was told. This was the only relationship he had ever been in. He was just lucky enough to get to marry the first and only person he had ever been in love with. But Otabek would literally give up anything for him, and Yuri... Yuri wasn't doing the same for him right now, and he felt a huge amount of guilt over it.

"I don't deserve you," he whispered. He thought he had his face covered enough to muffle his voice past the point of understanding, but Otabek didn't miss a single syllable. The arms around him tightened and he whispered back, "Shh, that's my line."

The rest of the evening went as their evenings usually did, except... Yuri barely said a word, and that was very much unlike him. Otabek had cast him many concerned glances but Yuri would just force a tiny smile or pretend him didn't see him looking his way to begin with.

As of currently he was standing in front of the stove cooking dinner. Yuri loved to cook. He had learned from his grandfather many years ago and he and Otabek rarely ate out now that they lived together. Yuri would cook them dinner almost every night. Otabek would often offer to take the position in his place or try to help, but Yuri refused every time. Otabek took care of him in so many ways. This was how he made it even.

And besides, Otabek absolutely loved his cooking.

So intent on watching what he was boiling, he didn't even notice his lover sneak into the room and come up behind him until two arms were wrapped around his waist. He smiled, cocking his head.

"Can I help you?"

Chuckling against his neck before he pressed a kiss there, Otabek asked, "A better question would be can  _I_  help  _you_?"

Yuri snorted, "You have literally asked me that every single night since we started living together and I have literally said no every single time, so what do you think?"

"Fine, fine," Otabek sighed with a hint of a laugh, but he didn't back off at all. He nuzzled Yuri's neck, and he clearly had something he wanted to say but wasn't saying it. Now Yuri was all for Otabek clinging to him while he spent long amounts of time cooking. He did it often. But tonight Yuri had a lot of his mind, and really, he'd more appreciate a little more time to himself to think. He was sure Otabek had plenty of other things he could be doing right now.

"Beka, what's the problem?" he asked, trying to keep the irritated edge out of his tone. Otabek sighed from behind him.

"Are you sure you're okay? You've barely said a word to me since I... Brought  _that_  up."

Even though he tried not to, Yuri tensed in his grasp. He wanted to defend himself, to say he was perfectly fine and nothing was wrong. But his actions just confirmed Otabek's suspicion and Yuri knew that. He was being too obvious, and hell, even when he wasn't obvious about things Otabek still picked up on everything. He was a perceptive guy. He always had been. It was was one of things Yuri loved about him, but right now it felt intrusive.

"I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Yuri said through clenched teeth. Otabek's hands moved from his waist to his shoulders, massaging them gently, and even that simple touch was putting the blond on edge. He didn't want to push Otabek away, he really didn't, but right now he felt like Otabek had an expectation of him that he couldn't meet and it was stressing him out beyond belief.

"I just want you to know-" "I said I don't want to talk about it!"

Otabek backed off this time and Yuri immediately regretted his words. Otabek was probably just going to say he loved him or something, and Yuri had gone off and snapped at him. Yeah, he sure was an A+ husband right now. But Otabek didn't stick around for an argument. He was just going to let Yuri have his space and let him come to him when he needed to talk. He always did. But before Otabek could leave the room Yuri gripped his wrist. Surprised, Otabek looked back at him and Yuri frowned.

"But... Just because I don't want to talk about it now... That doesn't mean I  _never_  want to talk about it."

"I get it," Otabek assured him. That man was trying so hard to keep the smile off his face as he exited the kitchen and left Yuri to his cooking.

As Yuri turned his attention back to the stove, he couldn't help but smile a little, too.

Dinner was served a little over twenty minutes later, and at first, they ate in silence. Even though Yuri had cooked something he loved, he barely touched it. He just poked his food with his fork and stared in random directions, trying to get his mind out of the haze it was currently in. He couldn't get this day out of his head. He had to do something. He had to make some kind of decision. He didn't want to leave Otabek waiting for days or weeks or months, just waiting for Yuri to give him an answer on whether or not they were going to do this. Otabek had been man enough to share with him that this was something he wanted despite knowing what the consequences were, and being not only  _willing_  but also  _capable_  of dealing with said consequences. Now Yuri needed to be man enough to give him a straight answer.

But right now he just couldn't. He had too much anxiety over it. He could hardly think straight. His chest was getting tight again. He felt light headed and nauseous. Anxiety wasn't something Yuri dealt with on a day to day basis. Not by a long shot. So this? This was new, and this was hard, and he did not  _like_  this. He suddenly felt like Katsuki deserved a gold medal simply for putting up with anxiety every fucking day.

"Thanks for making dinner, Yura."

His voice broke Yuri out of his thoughts and, slightly startled at his very sudden words, he just stared at him for a moment before nodding. And then finally, he smiled a little.

"You don't have to thank me every night, you know."

"Of course I do," Otabek smiled back at him before pushing his fork past his lips again. Yuri was able to eat after that, and while they did continue dinner in relative silence, it was a much comfier silence, and Yuri felt the weight lift off his shoulders just a bit.

After dinner Otabek retreated to the bathroom for a shower and instead of collapsing on the couch again, Yuri in turn retreated to their bedroom and collapsed in the bed instead. He pulled the duvet up to his chin and rolled over on his side, breathing out a breath he hadn't known he had been holding in. He was still clueless as to what to do. Otabek didn't seem bothered at all, but Yuri knew better. Otabek could be very good at covering up his emotions when he wanted to. But he rarely did that to him. He didn't want Yuri to know how much he wanted this but Yuri was already painfully aware.

He knew there was nothing he could do to change Beka's mind. Even if he said no. Even if he flat out refused to ever start a family with him. It would still be something Otabek dreamed about, wished for. And Yuri felt so guilty that he couldn't just fucking say  _yes_. Otabek never asked for much from him. He hadn't even asked to get married in or move to Kazakhstan, despite how much Yuri knew that's what he wanted. It had been Yuri to suggest it, and Otabek to jump at the idea with a smile on his face and the hint of tears in his eyes. Smiling softly at that memory, Yuri realized he wanted to see that look on his lover's face again. But... was he ready to accept the responsibility of what he'd have to agree to in order to get that out of him?

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, with a towel wrapped around his waist and his phone in his hand, Otabek leaned against the counter, frowning down at the group chat that he had hastily thrown together only minutes ago. Just as Yuri had earlier from Yuuri, Otabek was asking for the advice of his friends, but the onslaught of messages was getting a little overwhelming and he was having a bit of trouble trying to keep up with everyone. And to be truthful, none of them were being too terribly helpful.

LEO: Did you tell him it's something you REALLY REALLY want?

OTABEK: No. I didn't. That would just stress him out and make him think he HAS to do this, and he doesn't

MILA: I hate to tell you, honey, but I don't think he's ever going to be ready for something like this

JJ: Hate to agree, but

OTABEK: ...

PHICHIT: I disagree I think a kid could be really good for him

PHICHIT: You know, to show him that he's not going to turn out like his dad and all?

VIKTOR: Oh no that's what's scaring him isn't it

OTABEK: Yes. I have no idea how to convince him that he'll never turn out like that pathetic excuse for a man

YUURI: Just give him some time. He has a lot to work through now that you suggested it

GEORGI: I think he'll come around

VIKTOR: He'll definitely come around

OTABEK: You really think so?

CHRIS: Absolutely

YUURI: What exactly has he said about it?

OTABEK: He said he didn't want to talk about it, but that it didn't mean he NEVER wanted to talk about it

OTABEK: So that's progress, right?

GUANGHONG: AWWW YES

Venturing out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, he found Yuri already in bed and seemingly asleep. He smiled gently and walked over to the side of the bed and leaned down, kissing his softly before moving to the dresser and pulling out a pair of sweatpants and pulling them on. Once (half) dressed he crawled under the covers himself. Once more, he checked his phone to see new messages.

EMIL: I'm trying to convince Mickey we should adopt too and he doesn't seem into the idea either.

EMIL: DON'T GIVE UP OKAY?

MICHELE: I just don't think I'm ready for kids...

EMIL: See?

OTABEK: And how exactly are you going about trying to convince him?

EMIL: I took him to a toy store :D

OTABEK: ...Did that work? At all?

MICHELE: No. I'm honestly convinced it was more for you than for a possible kid, Emil.

EMIL: :( Mickey

CHRIS: POINT IS. Fatherhood is a beautiful thing and I think he'll warm up to the idea if you just keep being gentle with it

Sometimes it was very odd to hear Chris give good advice. But he was actually one of the first of them who had become a father, to everyone's surprise. JJ had been first, Georgi had been second, then Chris, and then Viktor and Yuuri were finally done waiting and had adopted a baby boy. Otabek wanted to be next on that list. And they were all excellent fathers, at that. Every single of them had grown up and matured a lot. Some of them were retired from skating now and were focusing on their children and significant others, and while Otabek was still competing professionally and Yuri had a job, he knew they could make room in their lives for a new addition to the family.

OTABEK: Thanks for the help, guys. Yuri is asleep and I think I'm going to go to bed, too. Maybe I'll try to talk to him about it again tomorrow. Maybe...

VIKTOR: GOODNIGHT GOOD LUCK

YUURI: Yeah, good luck!

LEO: You got this, man. The both of you got this

A few more messages wishing him goodnight and good luck popped up but he'd leave them be for now. With a smile, small and tired but there, Otabek set his phone to the side and shifted in bed so he could wrap his arm around Yuri who shifted slightly but made no indication that he was awake.

But he was.

And when Otabek whispered, "I love you Yura," before quickly drifting off to sleep, Yuri knew he didn't deserve this man beside him. What had he ever done, in his  _entire existence_ , that somehow made him worthy of Otabek? Winning gold was honestly the only thing he could think of, and even that didn't quite measure up at this point in his life. Otabek had this habit of saying that all he needed was Yuri. That as long as they were together, he was happy, and that that would never change. But Yuri had to wonder if that was the whole truth. Wouldn't starting a family with him make him happier? Hell, wouldn't being with somebody who wasn't too mentally and emotionally damaged to actually  _start_  a family make him happier?

He could feel a panic attack coming on.

Slipping out of bed as slyly as possible, he took quick but almost even steps out of the room and to the living room, where he sat on the couch, buried his face in his hands, and just cried silently, because today had just been too much. These didn't happen often, but when they did, they were so much easier to get through when Otabek was holding him, but he didn't feel like he had that option right now. So he sat in the dark, and he cried alone.

After thirty, or maybe forty-five minutes of trying not to pull his hair out and learning how to properly breathe again, he returned to their bed and he went straight to sleep. And that night, he had a dream like nothing else he had ever had in his life.

A beam of golden sunlight shone through the curtains above their bed, illuminating the dim room just so to look stunning. Otabek didn't snore, but his breathing got deeper when he slept, and so even with his eyes closed, Yuri could tell he was still out beside him. He himself, however, was just laying back enjoying the morning and the sound of his lover's breath. And then she ran in.

"Daddy! Daddy!"

She looked a lot like Otabek. She had his dark hair and dark eyes, but the cheetah print pajamas she was wearing were absolutely Yuri's doing. Climbing up onto the bed and bouncing up and down over to them, she jumped right into the blond's arms and he hugged her tight. She was quickly distracted, though, at the sight of her other father still fast asleep. Pouting, she began poking his cheek until he cracked an eye open. When he saw her little face looking down at him he smiled. She clapped her hands and giggled.

"Good morning, princess." he greeted her, kissing her cheek before glancing up at Yuri, kissing his cheek as well as he said, "And good morning to you, too."

Yuri could only grin happily.

They were together. They were happy. They were a family. A complete  _family_.

But then? Then he woke up.

With a start, he sat up in bed, straight as a board. With wide eyes, he glanced around the dark room only to find that, no, it was not morning (in fact, it appeared to be a little after 2am,) and no, there was no child, and no, Otabek was not awake kissing them both on the cheek because they were a family and that's families apparently do. And suddenly... Suddenly Yuri felt sickeningly empty.

This was stupid. This was wrong. He couldn't make a real life decision based on one little dream, but somehow that rock solid logic wasn't stopping him from frantically shaking Otabek awake.

"Beka! Beka!"

Nearly jumping a foot out of the bed, Otabek, clearly panicked that Yuri was fiercely shaking him and calling his name at this ungodly hour, scrambled to be as close to him as possible.

"Yura? What is it? What's wrong?"

Otabek felt a cold hand on his cheek and it calmed him down, but he was still very much confused, "Yura?"

"I want to do this, Beka. I want to start a family with you. Let's do it."

Feeling his mouth run dry, it took him a minute to respond, "W-what? You mean that?"

"I do."

Otabek placed his hand over Yuri's, and as their eyes adjusted to the dark, they stared at each other. Yuri was smiling. Otabek was not. And now Yuri wasn't, either.

"What's wrong? I thought this was what you wanted..." Yuri felt even more lost than before. Could he just not when in this situation or something?! What did he want from him? He wanted this. They could do this! What was stopping them now?

"That's the problem, Yura," Otabek sighed, staring down at their blankets, "I don't want you to agree to this just because you know it's something I want. I want you to want this, too."

"But I do!" Yuri assured him eagerly, but Otabek didn't yet look convinced. He had to ask.

"Why the sudden change of heart?"

Yuri frowned. He couldn't really tell him about the dream, could he? He'd sound like an idiot and Otabek would probably dismiss the whole thing and not believe Yuri was truly serious about this. And Yuri wouldn't blame him, either, because really, he didn't understand his thought process right now, either. But he knew it felt all kinds of right. Otabek was made to be a father, and Otabek had chosen him, so that meant he was destined for this shit, too. That's how this worked, right?

"I've spent all night thinking about it,"  _Not technically a lie._

Otabek kind of just nodded dumbly at that. Yuri had to wonder whether he was still half asleep and not fully comprehending what he was saying to him right now, but he looked pretty wide awake to him. He was probably still processing all of this, so Yuri gave him a moment to finish doing so. But Otabek just kept staring at him, his expression occasionally switching between surprised, nervous and completely and utterly confused. Yuri eventually got irritated and started glaring at him.

"Say something."

"I... don't know what to say. Are you  _sure_?"

"No, Beka. I woke you up at the crack of fucking dawn to crush your hopes and dreams. Yes! I want to start a family with you."

And just like that, Otabek's lips were on his, kissing him so deeply and so passionately that even while sitting on a bed Yuri still somehow felt like his legs were going to give out. When Otabek pulled away he was panting and... crying? With a nervous hand, Yuri cupped his cheek and wiped a tear away with his thumb. "These better be happy tears," he said, but smiled halfway through his words because Otabek was just smiling so wide. He kissed Yuri again and held him close.

"I promise you," Otabek began, gaining every percent of Yuri's attention he didn't already have, "You are going to be the best father in the world."

With eyes suddenly watery and bottom lip trembling, Yuri simply said, "Shut up. That's my line."

After a few more minutes of kissing and stray tears, they agreed to go back to sleep and continue this conversation when it wasn't 5:30am. Yuri was fast asleep in a heartbeat, as Beka knew he would be. He grabbed his phone and sent a quick text to the group chat before he discarded it again and, with a smile, laid his head back on his pillow and drifted off into an excited sleep.

OTABEK: GUYS. HE SAID YES. HE ACTUALLY SAID YES. IT'S ALMOST 6AM AND HE JUST WOKE ME UP AND HE SAID YES. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED ALL I KNOW IS THAT HE SAID YES

Yuri didn't wake up until 11am. And honestly, he was surprised to wake up to an empty bed. Today wasn't Otabek's day off, but for some reason he had thought he'd take the day off to celebrate this news. He huffed. But he guessed it wasn't  _that_  surprising. They could both be on the workaholic side. So he collapsed back into the mountain of pillows and grabbed his phone and then the  _real_  surprise hit him. Even after his skating career ended, he could still be quite the popular guy. However, he had never woken up to quite so many texts before noon before. Opening the group chat that had apparently only been made a few hours ago, he read through the messaged with wide eyes.

JJ: CONRATS YURI

VIKTOR: CONGRATULATIONS SON I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU

YUURI: SO PROUD. WE ARE SO PROUD

MILA: YURI OMG OMG OMG

LEO: OH MAN I HAVEN'T SEEN OTABEK THIS HAPPY SINCE YOU SAID YOU'D MARRY HIM

VIKTOR: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE GOING TO ADOPT A CHILD! THERE IS SO MUCH WE MUST TELL YOU

LEO: I THINK YOU JUST MADE HIM THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE HOLY SHIT DUDE

GUANGHONG: THIS IS THE CUTEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE

PHICHIT: YURI THIS IS SUCH GREAT NEWS I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU TWO

CHRIS: ~~~CONGRATULATIONS~~~

GEORGI: I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU YOU HAVE NO IDEA

SEUNG-GIL: congratulations Yuri

PHICHIT: YOU HAVE TO TYPE IN CAPS LIKE THE REST OF US SEUNG

EMIL: THIS IS SUCH A GREAT DAY! IF ONLY WE WERE ALL IN THE SAME PLACE SO WE COULD GO CLUBBING TO CELEBRATE

SARA: CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU BOTH!

By the time he got through the messages he was blushing furiously. When on earth had Otabek taken out the time to tell every single person they knew about this?! But he couldn't help but smile. Not one of them even mentioned his own childhood, or his own parents. It was like, to everybody else, it wasn't even an issue. It wasn't worth worrying about. They all seemed to believe he could do this, and he wouldn't admit it to them, but it gave him confidence that he had made the right decision in telling Otabek yes.

Speaking of Otabek... With a chuckle, he texted his husband.

_Excited much?_

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I hope you guys enjoyed that. :)  
> I literally didn't know how I was going to change Yuri's mind on having kids until halfway through writing this. This dream sequence just kinda hit me outta nowhere and I was like yeah, sure, I'll go with that. Why not? xD  
> Come scream with me on xdatenshibluex.tumblr. You may even convince me to write you something if you scream loudly enough


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